October 10, 2025
Some credit is due to people who consistently view themselves as victims. I'm not talking about survivors of trauma who have ACTUALLY been victims of crimes, domestic violence, sexual exploitation, war, etc. I'm talking about the dramatic type of victim mentality we often see in personality disorders. This type has a sort of learned helplessness (ie "I can't do it", when they are able bodied and have resources to do the thing), entitlement, grandiosity air to how they move about the world and relationships. If we peel back the function of this drama mindset, we will see that it serves a purpose and it generally "works".
Staying in a victim mindset keeps the person "safe" from fears of change, responsibility, intimacy with others, accountability and vulnerability. It takes COURAGE to face trauma, discontinue blame and own our part in the problems of our lives and in ourselves. It also takes a great deal of maturity and support.
Many adults have not been equipped with the interpersonal and emotional regulation skills to move FROM a victim mindset INTO accountable living. It's "easier" to stay a victim to life, parents, circumstances, and relationships. It doesn't require anything more than continuing to stoke the flame, keeping the "woe is me" fire festering and alive. In some way it is a "power move"... but a childish one. All behavior is communication. Under the drama of these behaviors and mindset what is the victim really communicating to the world? Sometimes the truth is "I'm ashamed", "no one ever loved me", "I'm empty inside"... Usually there is a host of negative believes about the self that the drama services to keep the "self" away from. However, ignoring the original wounds comes at a cost. It may be "easier" to ignore, and in some ways it may feel "more powerful" to stay a victim, but you may lose out on what could have been a really wonderful life.
To quote the INCREDIBLE Dr. David Rico, passivity is giving your power away. It is refusing to express feelings, act, or decide because of what MIGHT happen to you. Passivity is avoiding decisive action by coping with the unsatisfactory situation or relationship and hoping it might change. Unfortunately, what we are not changing, we are choosing. That's responsibility.
Assertiveness is affirming your own truth and receiving others' truths.
Asking for what you want and honoring whatever response you get.
Sharing what you feel and accepting what others feel.
Being responsible and asking the same from others.
Basic Rights of an Assertive Person from one of my favorite books How To Be An Adult:
1. You have the basic right to ask for 100% of what you want from 100% of the people in your life, 100% of the time.
2. To enjoy emotional and physical safety. No one has the right to hurt you, even if they love you.
3. To change your mind or to make mistakes.
4. To decide when and whether or not you are responsible for finding solutions to others' problems or taking care of their needs.
5. To say no or maybe without pressure to decide in accord with someone else's timing.
6. To have secrets and to decide how much of yourself or your life you choose to reveal.
7. To be illogical in making decisions.
8. To be free to explain your choices or not. This includes not having to make excuses or give reasons when you say no.
9. To be non-assertive when you see that that is appropriate (ie like when doing so could bring harm to you-- you know the truth and thats what matters).
10. To maintain the same principal skills and rights of assertions with your partner, parents, friends or children.
Practicing assertiveness leads to a realization that you have choices, no matter how confining your predicament may be. The experience of choice combined with support from others, offers the best conditions for DEPARTURE from the depressing sense of yourself as a victim. Instead, you get on with your life in a powerful adult and confident way. The achievement of assertiveness requires that we come to terms with three crucial areas that every adult must confront. Fear, anger and guilt. Remember, what we are not changing we are choosing.
I love helping people get free from the bondage to self! Reach out for a consultation today!
